


Kcutsemoh

by X15lm204



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Causality Shenanigans, Multi, Overambitious, Role Reversal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-02-12
Updated: 2011-06-26
Packaged: 2017-10-15 14:57:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/161964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/X15lm204/pseuds/X15lm204
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four kids finally reach the end of their game only to have victory violently torn from their grasp. Retreating to the Veil, they are surprised by an unsolicited donation from, of all sources, an alien girl from the universe they created!</p><p>Who are these troll douchebags?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A response to a prompt from the livejournal request thread. Wow am I fucking insane for even trying to start this.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--   
TT: So. Today’s the day you finally ruin everything.  
CA: wwho the fuck are you  
CA: vvery fuckin presumptuous color youre typin in there  
TT: Oh, please, not the hemospectrum bullshit again. As I am getting very tired of telling you, it simply doesn’t apply.  
CA: howw could it possibly not apply  
CA: an wwhat the fuck are you talkin about wweve nevver spoken before  
TT: Perhaps not yet, but we will. Endlessly. There is a limit to the number of times one can be called a ‘Ketchup-blooded WWitch’ before it ceases to be amusingly pathetic and becomes merely pathetic.  
TT: Regardless, hemospectrum-based judgements simply do not apply to me, nor to my friends, because I am not a troll. I can’t imagine why this is so difficult for you to accept. I’d try to make you see reason, if I didn’t already know that you won’t.  
CA: wwhat are you claimin to be some kind of alien from the future or somethin  
TT: To the second question: No.  
TT: Not from your ‘future’.  
TT: Honestly, why is it that whenever the question of temporal mechanics is broached, your sparing troll intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable?  
TT: To the first: I am not claiming to be an alien. I AM an ‘alien,’ from your perspective. I am a human.  
CA: one a those magical imps wwho hang out wwith faeries an elvves an other shit that aint real an turn to stone in the light of the moons  
CA: reel fuckin funny noww clam up im tired of your roleplay shit  
TT: Oh, fantastic, I see you’re still making nautical puns in this time frame.  
TT: Enough. I did not contact you to bicker uselessly about arguments I am destined to win later.  
TT: I am here to introduce myself.  
TT: My name is Rose Lalonde, and, you worthless waste of the air - and occasionally water - you breathe, I am the woman who will one day have the pleasure of ending your life.  
TT: Eridan Ampora, your days are numbered, and you do not even know why. The irony is delicious.  
CA: wwhoa there bitch comin on a little strong  
TT: ...Oh gods.  
CA: see orphaner dualscars wwon so many campaigns that they all blend together  
TT: As usual, you leap to the most ridiculous of possible conclusions, one after another.  
CA: so wwhatever night i wwiped the rest of your pathetic little party off the face of alternia or wwhatevver might havve been the most important night of your life  
TT: I don’t know why I even bothered to imagine this conversation might progress otherwise.  
CA: but for me it wwas tuesday  
CA: so if you wwanna reel me in your gonna havve to givve me a better reason to hate you back  
TT: You squirming pile of fetid manure, you’re actually that arrogant, aren’t you?  
TT: I have never despised someone as much as I do now in my entire life!  
CA: baby thats wwhat they all say  
TT: I think I may vomit, now.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

She’ll be back. You just have to play a little hard to get, and she’ll be all over you. It can’t fail.

You’re glad she can’t see how flustered you are, though. Just when you were worried you might never find a kismesis, to have someone profess a hatred so black...feels fantastic.

Vris is dead to you, now. This’ll be better, you just know it. Even if her roleplaying persona is a bit weird.

You gotta tell Fef about this. Honestly, anything would be better to talk to her about than listening to her giggle and glub on and on about this stupid game she wants you to play.

> Thousands of miles away...

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering adiosToreador [AT] \--  
GG: hi again tavros!!! :)  
AT: uM, HELLO,  
AT: oH, IT’S YOU AGAIN,  
AT: hI, uM, jADE, RIGHT, }:)  
GG: yay, i’m so glad you remembered me!  
GG: it’s been a while!  
GG: i mean for me it was only a couple of minutes but for you it’s been almost two years since we talked!!!  
AT: uH, I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS, bUT OF COURSE i REMEMBER,  
AT: tHAT TRICK YOU TAUGHT ME MADE FEEDING tINKERBULL SO MUCH EASIER, }:)  
AT: wITHOUT IT, IRRADIATING GRAIN IS, UH, A LOT HARDER,  
AT: sO,,,tHANKS A LOT,  
GG: no problem, i’m happy to help! :D  
GG: it’s just an old trick my grandpa taught me to keep me from getting sick like bec did :(  
AT: uH, WHAT’S, A GRANDPA,  
GG: um, nevermind about that  
GG: i’ll explain later  
GG: anyway it looks like the game is about to start!  
AT: rIGHT, THE THING Aa TOLD ME ABOUT,  
AT: aRE YOU PLAYING TOO,  
GG: well, yes, actually, but not in the same group as you  
AT: oH,  
GG: i just wanted to say good luck! i mean, i know you’ll do okay, but i wanted to tell you not to worry! :)  
GG: gamzee and vriska should be contacting you soon about getting into the game  
AT: tHANKS,  
AT: aND, UH, gOOD LUCK TO YOU TOO, BUT I’M SURE YOU’LL DO FINE,  
GG: um  
GG: yeah  
GG: thanks! >.>  
AT: wAIT, vRISKA, UH, sERKET,  
AT: aRE WE PLAYING WITH tEAM sCOURGE, i THOUGHT Cg WAS MAD AT THEM FOR SOME REASON,  
GG: well mister grumpyface is just gonna have to get over it! >:(  
GG: it’s not like his problem with them is gonna matter much longer anyway  
AT: uH, oK THEN,  
AT: uH, gAMZEE’S PESTERING ME,  
AT: sO, GOOD LUCK, AND HAVE FUN WITH YOUR GAME,  
AT: jADE, aRE YOU STILL THERE,  
GG: thanks tavros  
GG: you  
GG: you have fun too! :’)  
GG: <3  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering adiosToreador [AT] \--

Oh my.

Did she just... She did! But you’ve only talked twice, she can’t know you well enough to... And if she did, it’s probably because she doesn’t know you as well as she thinks she does...

And...

Why would she be crying?

> Weeks ago, in another universe...

\-- ??? began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
Evening, boy!  
TG: oh man its hass  
TG: whats happening on hellmurder island old man  
Oh, it’s lively and pleasant as always, young chap.  
Little Jade is missing you something fierce, by the by.  
TG: i bet she is  
TG: girl is all over me like im the last elmo in the store  
TG: all the moms trying to claim me for there own as tribute to their shrieking harpy kids  
TG: but no shes rushing through the melee like its the last play of the super bowl  
I think this one is getting away from you, David.  
TG: making that mad dash for the endzone so she can get this red monster all to herself  
TG: to take home to her room full of squid and guns and shit and just  
TG: tickle  
I’ll thank you not to twist my granddaughter’s affections into something suggestive and lewd, young man!  
TG: just messing with you harley  
TG: so whats going on anyway  
You should prepare yourself for another adventure!  
TG: oh no  
TG: man fucking no  
TG: you always make these things sound so fucking badass but then bro has to bail me out from getting eaten by giant coolkid eating flowers or some shit and that is about as far from cool as it gets  
TG: shit is fucking sweltering  
I already know you’re going to agree, David!  
You might as well cease complaining and jump right in!  
TG: what  
TG: damn it old man i call hax on that omniscience shit you got going on  
TG: shit is so fucking cheap why would i ever want to do this shit again  
TG: of course you knew exactly how to answer that question long before i even asked so cheap  
Because, lad, sour though your armor may be, you remain a Knight at heart!  
TG: the hell does that mean  
You’ll agree for one simple reason: because you know that Jade, Rose, and John will be going, and that you can’t be certain they’ll be safe without you.  
If it makes you feel better, I promise this will be the last time I ask for your aid in such a venture.  
TG: welp  
TG: fuck old man i guess you got me there just like always  
TG: cant let that dumpass egbert get all the not terrible people killed derping along without me  
TG: fine im in  
TG: whats going on anyway  
Well, my good chap, do you remember the code we recovered last time?


	2. Chapter 2

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
GC: H3Y K4RK4T  
CG: NO.  
CG: FUCK OFF, RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU.  
GC: 4WW COM3 ON  
CG: I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU, YOU PSYCHOPATH.  
GC: C4R3FUL HOW YOU SL1NG THOS3 WORDS 4ROUND  
GC: 4 TROLL COULD G3T HURT >||]  
GC: 1 41NT DON3 PL4Y1NG W1TH YOU Y3T  
CG: GOGDAMMIT TEREZI YOU SAID WE WERE EVEN. YOU AGREED.  
GC: H3H3H3  
GC: W3 4R3 3V3N  
GC: TH3 SCOR3 1S T13D  
GC: BUT TH3R3S 4 N3W G4M3 4FOOT >||]  
GC: 1TS T1M3 FOR TH3 SC4L3 TO T1P  
GC: ON3 W4Y OR TH3 OTH3R  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. YOU WANT TO GO ANOTHER ROUND? THEN WE’LL MEET ON THE SGRUBIAN BATTLEFIELD AND SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.  
CG: BUT FOR NOW, TAKE YOUR CRAZY GIRLFRIEND, GO BOTHER THE PRINCESS AND THE HIPSTER TOOL AND THE ROBODOUCHE, AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!  
GC: OH K4RK4T  
GC: WHO3V3R S41D 1 W4S ON THE BLU3 T34M  
CG: WHAT  
CG: NO  
CG: NONONO  
GC: 1M 4FR41D 1TS TOO L4T3 TO PROT3ST  
GC: MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST H4S 4B4NDON3D YOU FOR SOM3 GR4P3 J3LLY  
CG: THAT TRAITOROUS LITTLE SHIT!  
CG: HE DRAGGED ARADIA OFF WITH HIM, DIDN’T HE.  
GC: TH4TS R1GHT  
GC: THOUGH MR CHOCOL4T3 M1LK 1S ST1LL LOY4L  
GC: 4T L34ST UNT1L H3 F1NDS OUT H1S P4RTN3R SPL1T  
GC: 4ND OF COURS3 W3 4LR34DY KNOW MR POW3R4D3 WONT L3T H1S L1TTLE L3TTUC3 L34F 4NYWH3R3 N34R YOU  
CG: FUCK YOU  
GC: SO 1T LOOKS L1K3 YOUV3 GOT NO CHO1C3 BUT TO 4CC3PT TH3 BUBBL3GUM SQU4D 1F YOU W4NT TO H4VE 4 T34M 4T 4LL  
CG: YOU DID THIS.  
GC: 1 M1GHT H4V3 3NCOUR4G3D F3F3R1 TO G3T 4 L1TTL3 CLOS3R TO H3R CRUSH 1F TH4TS WH4T YOU M34N >||P  
CG: IT’S JUST NEVER ENOUGH WITH YOU IS IT?  
CG: YOU’VE ALWAYS GOTTA TAKE THAT ONE MORE STEP FROM COMPLETELY AWFUL TO OBSCENELY OVER THE TOP.  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO BE ON MY TEAM ANYWAY?  
GC: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW  
GC: 1N COURT TH3 BURD3N OF PROOF 1S ON TH3 4CCUS3D  
GC: YOU M1GHT H4V3 TH3 L3G1SL4SC3R4TORS ST4LL3D BUT YOULL N3V3R G3T OUT OF H3R3 UNT1L TH3YR3 CONV1NC3D  
GC: SO K4RK4T  
GC: 1S 1T TRU3 >||?  
GC: 4R3 YOU WORTHY OF TH3 D3L1C1OUS CH3RRY IN YOUR V31NS  
GC: C4N 4 MUT3 MUT4NT L34D B3TT3R TH4N 4 G1RL BORN LUCKY  
GC: TH3 G4M3 W1LL SHOW US TH3 TRUTH  
CG: HOLY SHIT YOU ARE JUST FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF!  
GC: 1LL B3 W4TCH1NG YOU K4RK4T  
GC: 3V3RY MOV3 YOU M4K3  
GC: 3V3RY ORD3R YOU G1V3  
GC: 1 WONT 3V3N G3T 1N YOUR W4Y  
GC: 1 PROM1S3 1LL B3 ON MY B3ST B3H4V1OR 4S YOUR S3RV3R  
CG: NO  
CG: FUCK NO, THAT ISN’T HAPPENING.  
GC: COM3 ON K4RK4T  
GC: DO YOU HON3STLY TH1NK 1LL G1V3 YOUR FR13NDS 4NY MOR3 CHO1C3 TH4N 1 G4V3 YOU  
GC: YOUV3 GOT TH1RTY M1NUT3S TO PR3P4R3  
GC: SM3LL YOU SOON  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3 >||]  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

Fuck. FUCK!

Gogdammit that blind witch just makes you want to scream and scream and scream!

But you can’t even do that. She saw to it personally.

> By the sea, far away...

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] \--  
TC: HeY mY mOoInG mOtHeRfUcKeR, wHeRe YoU aT?  
TC: bRo?  
AT: uH, sORRY, i WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE,  
TC: It’S cOoL, bRo.  
TC: So YoU rEaDy FoR tHiS sHiT mAn?  
TC: We’Re GoNnA mAkE tHiS hApEn Or SoMeThInG.  
TC: hOnK! :o)  
AT: aS READY AS, UH, i’LL EVER BE, i GUESS,  
AT: tHIS IS, SOME PRETTY SERIOUS SHIT WE’RE GETTING INTO, uH, BRO,  
AT: bUT i THINK WE’LL, UH, BE OK,  
TC: tHaT’s GrEaT, mAn! I dUnNo WhAt’S tHe MatTeR bUt GoOd To KnOw It’Ll TaKe CaRe Of ItSeLf Or WhAtEvEr.  
TC: ApPaReNtLy I’m DoInG tHe SeRvEr ThInG fOr My EyElEsS sIsTeR.  
TC: gOoD tO sEe ShE aNd Cg MaDe Up.  
AT: i’M PRETTY SURE, THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED,  
AT: bUT, UH, WANT ME TO BE YOUR SERVER, THEN? }:)  
TC: I gUeSs So, BrO, tHaT sOuNdS cOoL. :o)  
AT: oK, GREAT, }:)  
AT: iT’S FUNNY THOUGH, i ALWAYS THOUGHT tEREZI AND vRISKA WOULD BE ON, THE OTHER TEAM,  
AT: bUT, i GUESS IT DOESN’T MATTER IN THE LONG RUN,  
TC: wHaTcHa MeAn, BrO?  
AT: dON’T, UH, WORRY ABOUT IT,  
AT: yOU JUST KEEP DOING WHAT FEELS, UH, RIGHT, AND i’LL HANDLE ALL THE WORRYING ABOUT WHAT’S, COMING,  
TC: cOoL, mOtHeRfUcKeR, cAn Do.  
AT: uH, gAMZEE?  
TC: WhOa, DiDn’T sPaCe ThE fUcK oUt On YoU tOo LoNg, DiD i?  
AT: nO, i JUST, WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING,  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG sHoOt, BrO. :o)  
AT: iF,  
AT: iF THERE WAS SOMEONE, WHO WAS, UH, FLUSHED FOR YOU,  
AT: bUT YOU DIDN’T FEEL THE SAME WAY,  
AT: bUT YOU LIKED THEM AS, A FRIEND,  
AT: hOW WOULD, YOU HANDLE IT,  
TC: wElL tHaT’s SoMe MoThErFuCkInG tOuGh ShIt, MaN.  
TC: yOu DoN’t WaNt To Be HaRsHiNg NoBoDy’S jOy,  
TC: BuT yOu GoTtA bE tRuE tO wHeRe YoUr HeArT’s At.  
TC: YoU gOtTa TeLl ThEm HoW yOu FeEl, AnD hOpE tHeY’rE a GoOd EnOuGh FrIeNd To StIcK aRoUnD.  
TC: bIgGeR mIrAcLeS hApPeN aLl ThE tImE.  
AT: uH, i GUESS SO,  
AT: i DON’T EVEN KNOW IF i’LL EVER SEE HER AGAIN,  
AT: uH, hYPOTHETICALLY,  
AT: bUT i GUESS,  
AT: iF IT WAS, ME, i’D APPRECIATE THE HONESTY,  
AT: sO, tHANKS,  
AT: aND,  
AT: uH, YEAH, JUST, THANKS,  
TC: sUrE tHiNg, BrO. :o)  
TC: hOnK  
AT: hEY, gAMZEE?  
TC: yEaH?  
AT: wHEN, YOU WAKE UP,  
AT: cOME FIND ME, uH, oK?  
\-- adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] \--

What was that about, man?

Motherfucker sure can be mysterious sometimes. You like that about him though.

Eh, no worries. He’ll take care of the heavy stuff just fine, like always, and he’ll call on you when he needs you. Big man’s always got your back, and you got his.

> Six days “ago,” in another universe...

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--  
TT: John. John, please.  
GT: rose, it’ll be fine, i promise. really!  
TT: I don’t like this. Please, John, will you just wait?  
GT: rose,  
GT: look, i have to do this. jade and i both saw the cloud, so it’s going to happen no matter what anyway.  
GT: might as well go right to it with a smile, you know?  
GT: besides, how else am i going to save all these salamanders?  
TT: You know how I feel about indulging these ridiculous consorts, John.  
GT: aww, they’re not so bad. you should really give your turtles another chance.  
TT: Likewise I have expressed my doubts as to the authenticity of predestination.  
GT: i’m sorry, but i’ve got to go with dave on this one. we might not have total proof yet, but there’s enough evidence that i don’t want to bet against it.  
GT: i mean, between the number of clouds jade’s seen come true and dave’s adventures through time, there a pretty good argument in predestination’s favor.  
TT: I’ve told you my theories about the manipulation of so-called “alpha” timelines. If you would just wait a day or two, give me time to test them out, this whole situation might be avoidable!  
GT: i don’t think i’ve got the time to spare. all signs point to it happening today.  
GT: and hey, aren’t you the one who kept telling us to trust the guide like it was holy writ or something?  
TT: My trust in the words of some eons-dead alien is somewhat trumped by the idea of watching my friends die, John!  
GT: i’m not asking you to watch, rose.  
TT: It doesn’t  
TT: That’s not what I mean, John...  
GT: rose. it’s going to be ok.  
GT: even if you don’t trust time, or skaia, or what the horrorterrors have been telling you, trust in me.  
GT: i know everything’s going to be fine. trust in that.  
GT: rose?  
TT: A  
TT: Alright.  
TT: John?  
TT: Can I ask you something truly terrible and unfair?  
GT: uh, i guess?  
TT: When it’s my turn, will you be there?  
GT: ...yeah. yeah, i’ll be there. i’ll be there when you need me; don’t doubt it for a moment.  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
TT: John I  
TT: I  
TT: Damn it...


	3. Chapter 3

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--  
CT: D--> Nepeta, are y0u there  
CT: D--> This is a matter 0f e%treme imp0rtance  
CT: D--> We have been 0rdered by the princess t0 sc0ut ahead 0f her arrival int0 the game  
AC: :33 < *ac yawns and stretches, having just woken from a long nap!*  
AC :33 < *she lets out a happy mew upon s33ing the great horse, and l33ps up onto his back!*  
CT: D--> St0p this  
AC: :(( < awwwwwww  
CT: D--> Current matters are 0f t00 great imp0rtance t0 indulge such theatri%  
AC: X33 < ok then, but i’m taking that as a purromise to play when there isn’t something impurrtant going on!  
CT: D--> What  
CT: D--> N0  
AC: :PP < too late!  
AC: :33 < i just talked to feferi a little while ago! she told me she didn’t want to go in first, but she didn’t say anything that sounded like an order.  
AC: :33 < i get the feeling you reinterpreted something she said that way on purrpose!  
CT: D--> Y0ur accusati0ns are 100dicr0us  
CT: D--> Yet entirely c0rrect  
AC: :33 < i knew it!  
CT: D--> Nevertheless I feel it is the duty 0f the b100 team as her l0yal vassals t0 ensure that the princess is as prepared as p0ssible  
CT: D--> It is my plan t0 enter first and rec0rd my e%periences int0 a guide such that Fereri may kn0w e%actly what t0 e%pect  
CT: D--> T0 that end I w001d like t0 reqest that y0u facilitate my entry int0 the game  
AC: :)) < that sounds like a purrty good idea, actually! when do you want to start?  
CT: D--> Immediately  
AC: :\\\ < oh, um...  
AC: :// < see, pounce is out hunting, and i can’t start until i know she’s back...  
AC: :|| < and you know how long it can take to find her sometimes...  
CT: D--> Fudgesicles  
AC: :33 < maybe you should start with someone else and i’ll catch up later!  
AC: ;33 < it looks like aradia’s on!  
CT: D--> Wh0  
AC: :OO < what do you m33n, who?! aradia!  
CT: D--> Wh0  
AC: >:(( < you know, the girl who found you after the incident,  
AC: >:(( < brought you home,  
AC: >:(( < painstakingly built a new robot to your specifications,  
AC: >:(( < and still sometimes comes around to help you with repairs!  
AC: >:(( < you’ve even taken part of her typing quirk! how can you still not know her name?!  
CT: D--> Y0u mean the surprisingly useful peasantb100d  
AC: >:(( < grr! yes, her.  
CT: D--> Why d0 y0u e%pect me t0 remember her  
CT: D--> Her relevance ceased 0nce c0nstructi0n 0f my f0rm was c0mpleted  
AC: >:(( < i’d think a girl as flushed for you as her would be purrty relevant, don’t you?  
CT: D--> Y0u do n0t 0ften turn the t0pic t0wards flushed relati0nships in my presence  
CT: D--> Are y0u attempting t0 turn the c0nversati0n t0wards the t0pic 0f y0ur desire t0 mate with the filthy mutant 0nce again  
AC: DDX < no!  
AC: >:(( < you can be such a m33nie poo butt head sometimes, equius!  
CT: D--> I am n0t  
AC: >:(( < are too!  
CT: D--> N0  
AC: >:(( < yes!  
CT: D--> N0  
AC: >:(( < yes!  
CT: D--> N0  
AC: >:(( < yes!

This continued for some time.

CT: D--> N0  
AC: >:(( < yes!  
CT: D--> N0  
AC: >:(( < fine! well, maybe you should ask her t0 be your server player!  
AC: >:(( < then you’ll have to remember her name.  
CT: D--> She has dem0nstrated admirable talent f0r f0ll0wing my 0rders  
CT: D--> Perhaps such an arrangement w0uld be a%eptable  
CT: D--> I will c0ntact her immediately  
AC: >:33 < good! i’ll go find pounce and follow you in when i can!  
CT: D--> E%cellent  
AC: :33 < ok, bye then!  
\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

Hiss! Your moirail can be such a pain! You’re starting to wonder if you’ll ever be able to fill in that part of your shipping wall...

You still love him, hard-headed jerk or not. And really, he’s a lot easier to talk to now then when he was alive!

> Not far away...  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] \--  
GT: uh, hello!  
AG: J8hn!  
AG: Th8nks for pestering me, I reeeeeeeeally n88d to talk to you...  
GT: uh, you know me already then?  
AG: Wh8t?  
AG: W8, is this your f8rst convers8tion with me?  
GT: yeah. have i pestered you before now? i didn’t plan on going out of order like rose and dave are doing...  
AG: Oh woooooooow, you w8ren’t kidding when you s8id you picked a 8ad t8me!!!!!!!!  
GT: wow, you sure like the number 8, don’t you!  
AG: neverm8nd that, go 8ack and meddle with s8me other me!  
AG: I r8ally need to talk to 8 you who alr8dy knows me.  
GT: i meddle?  
AG: you are a meddling meddler who meddles!!!!!!!!  
GT: i, uh, sorry?  
AG: Noooooooo  
AG: Th8ts not a 8ad thing.  
AG: Your the g88d kind of meddler!  
AG: The 88st!!!!!!!!  
GT: uh, thanks, then, i guess?  
AG: I mean 8t, John, you really h8lped me a lot.  
AG: I was pr8tty awful 8ef8re 8ut now I th8nk I’m who I want to 8e,  
AG: and a loooooooot of th8t is th8nks to you!  
GT: well, then i’m glad to have helped!  
GT: i guess i’ll have to go do my best now then!  
AG: L8sten, John...  
AG: I was k8nd of a 8itch to you 8ack then,  
AG: and 88sically a ps8chopath even 8y troll standards,  
AG: so,  
AG: i’m  
AG: sorry a8out that.  
GT: ...  
GT: well you seem nice enough now, and i gather we’re pretty good friends, so i guess i better give you the benefit of the doubt and help you out, huh?  
AG: th8nks john.  
AG: <>  
GT: huh?  
AG: don’t w8rry a8out 8t.  
AG: You need to g8 b8ck about three sweeps,  
AG: which 8s something l8ke 6 years or so, I forg8t.  
GT: ok then!  
GT: good luck with whatever’s the matter right now!  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] \--  
GT: hey vriska.  
GT: <>!!!!!!!!  
AG: I  
AG: You  
AG: r8ally  
GT: to be honest i almost forgot about that!  
GT: and the concept is still kind of weird and unclear to me.  
GT: but i know you well enough to know that if you wrote that at all it meant a lot to you.  
GT: and you mean a lot to me!  
GT: so i guess i’ll give this my best shot.  
AG: j8hn you don’t h8ve to 8e anyth8ng 8ut yourself!  
GT: then i guess i’ll be me!  
AG: :’:,:’:,D  
GT: wow that’s a pretty big tower of eyes there!  
AG: hahahahahahahaha y8ah........  
GT: so anyway, what’s this i hear about eridan being a different kind of butthead than usual?  
AG: ...It seems kind of t8steless to be compl8ining about 8eing sp8debroken right after starting a p8le relationship...  
GT: don’t worry about it! i’m always happy to listen.

Oh damn, better wipe up all these stupid tears before you stain everything blue.

It’s just water from a broken eight-ball. That’s all. Yeah.

Stupid John, always being helpful and nice and patient and fixing your stupid. You don’t know what you’d be without him.

> Day 3 of an alternate session...

Brosprite: dude. weak.  
Dave: shut up bro  
Brosprite: no, seriously, this isn’t nearly a badass or ironic enough death for a strider. go back and try again.  
Dave: fuck you dude  
Dave: seriously you cut a meteor in half only to be hit by another meteor  
Dave: i got stabbed in the kidney by a fictional character ive drawn shitty fanart of  
Dave: thats like three levels of irony deeper  
Brosprite: don’t make me laugh, little man.  
Dave: oh dude no just stop right there  
Brosprite: HOO HOO  
Brosprite: HAA HAA  
Brosprite: HEE HEE  
Dave: gog fucking dammit  
Dave: what the fuck is midnight crew shit doing in this game anyway  
Brosprite: that’s an awesome question.  
Brosprite: seriously though you alright man?  
Brosprite: you just kinda spaced for like ten minutes staring at the blood on your hands.  
Dave: im fine fuck off  
Brosprite: HOO HOO yeah right lil’ bro.  
Dave: rose is pestering me leave me alone for a bit  
Brosprite: eh, guess i better get the imps out of my puppets already.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TT: Dave, are you available?  
TG: sure thing babe whats the matter  
TT: Honestly, I’m mostly looking for an excuse to avoid the company of these idiotic turtles and my mother for a bit.  
TG: she giving you shit again  
TT: It would seem that Vodka Mutini was inauspiciously named.  
TT: Giving my mother access to alcohol even in wordplay form was a Bad Idea.  
TG: at least its better than johns idea  
TT: Ugh, yes, I don’t even want to picture my mother in any way influenced by the Ghostbusters.  
TT: At least the chalk imps are merely shrews and not also inebriated felines.  
TT: I am even allowed to explode them without a hint of regret - an excellent source of stress relief.  
TT: But enough about me. How go things on LOHAC?  
TG: fucking rad as usual  
TG: just wandering around with bro kicking underling ass like its the fifa world cup  
TT: Interesting.  
TG: what  
TT: Your painful metaphors are only sports-related when you’re worried.  
TG: what  
TG: fuck  
TG: no theyre not  
TT: I’ve had a great deal of time to codify your responses to various situations, Dave. I’m quite sure I’m correct.  
TG: enough of the junior psych shit im fucking chill as ever  
TG: but uh look  
TG: keep an eye out for stuff that looks like midnight crew shit  
TT: I’m sorry, what?  
TG: look we ran into what i fucking swear had to be diamonds droog  
TT: Are...are you certain?  
TG: tall mean fucker in a weird suit  
TG: turned a card into a spear with a diamond shaped tip  
TG: fucking fought off bro for a while before giving us the slip  
TG: so yeah pretty goddamn sure  
TT: That’s...disconcerting.  
TT: I will keep an eye out for similar occurances, and pass the word along to the others.  
TT: Excuse me.  
TG: sure see ya  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

==>

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
TT: Jade?  
GG: hey rose!!!  
GG: i think i just made friends with spades slick!!!  
TT: What.  
GG: he’s only stabbed me once so far! that means he likes me, right?


	4. Chapter 4

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling twinArmaggedons [TA] \--  
CC: )(---EY TH-ER-E little fis)(! 38D  
CC: )(ow are t)(ings going?  
TA: oh hey FF.  
TA: ii ju2t got fiinii2hed 2huttiing up my lu2u2 2o ii'm ready two 2tart whenever ED ii2.  
TA: nothiing'2 the matter over there ii2 iit?  
CC: NOP-E, evert)(ing's just beac)(y!  
CC: But...  
CC: W)(AL-----E, I wanted to ask you about maybe c)(anging up t)(e order a little.  
CC: I know I said I'd go last but could I actually go in a)(ead of you?  
TA: 2ure that'2 no problem.  
CC: It's just t)(at reading Equius's guide )(as got me so glubbing -EXCIT-ED about t)(is, I hope it's no imposition...  
TA: haha, iit'2 no iimpo2iitiion, YOUR MAJE2TY.  
CC: 38O H---EY, you know you don't )(ave to call me t)(at!  
TA: ii know, ii ju2t thiink iit'2 funny for 2omeone who could have been empre22 two worry about 2uch a liittle thiing.  
TA: ii'm 2orry, ii'll take iit back iif iit up2et you.  
CC: It's fine, I just don't want you tuna be comfortable around me!  
TA: ok, well, iit get2 me farther away from NP, 2o ii'm perfectly happy wiith thii2,  
TA: probably more proper for me two be 2erviing you than the other way around anyway.  
CC: Again wit)( the glubbing “proper” nonsense? 38(  
TA: haha ju2t me22iing wiith you now.  
CC: 38O )(OW SCANDALOUS!!! 3XD )(-E-E)(-E-E)(-E-E  
CC: But...are you reelly sure you're okay wit)( being on t)( same team as )(er?  
TA: iit's ok FF. ii knew all along there wa2 no way to be in thii2 team and not have to deal wiith her.  
TA: EQ wouldn't 2tand for her beiing on the red team and AD wouldn't let u2 be on a diifferent team a2 hiim, glub iif ii know what 2he 2ee2 iin hiim though.  
CC: 38O was t)(at a GLUB ii saw?  
TA: cod dammiit.  
CC: 38) 38) 38)  
TA: and uh  
TA: well ii wanted two be on your team two.  
CC: 38D 38D 38D  
CC: It's reelly too bad you don't feel t)(e same way Nepeta does t)(oug)(...  
TA: look FF, after the iinciident ii ju2t don't want anythiing two do wiith her, ii can't hate her liike that.  
TA: after what 2he diid ii ju2t want her two 2TAY AWAY FROM M  
\-- twinArmaggedon's [TA] computer exploded! --  
CC: O)( MY COD! SOLLUX!!!

\-- twinArmaggedon [TA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--  
TA: iit'2 ok, ii have a 2pare and nothiing iimportant wa2 damaged.  
CC: O)( my cod, are YOU okay? 38<  
TA: ii'm FIINE iit'2 ju2t really hard typiing wiith telekiine2ii2 when ii'm angry and the voiice2 are 2o loud.  
CC: 38(  
TA: FF iit'2 not your fault.  
TA: not the voiice2 and not my arm2.  
CC: Isn't it, t)(oug)(?  
TA: ...well iif you reelly want iit two be.  
TA: but iit'2 not liike there wa2 anythiing you could have done diifferent two 2top iit 2o no poiint iin ang2tiing about iit.  
TA: you know liike II would, HAHA.  
CC: 38| 38| 3XD  
CC: O)(, I KNOW! 383  
CC: W)(y don't you get ---ERIDAN to auspisticize for you! )(e's got LOTS of experience in driving off girls t)(at are interested in )(im!  
TA: haha WOW.  
TA: yeah he'd probably tell me two throw a whale at her or 2omethiing.  
TA: ok btw ii ju2t 2ent hiim a note two troll you when he'2 done wiith whatever 2henaniigan2 he'2 dealiing wiith and ii2 ready two play.  
CC: O)(! Yea)(, it looks like )(e's messaging me now!  
TA: ok you have fun wiith your moiiraiil and troll me whenever you're ready.  
CC: OKAY! S-EA YOU SOON, SOLLUX!!!!!  
TA: 2ee you.  
\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling twinArmaggedons [TA] \-- 

You suppress the urge to massage your forehead to deal with your headache; the useless arms hanging at your sides, torn apart by claws, are the whole reason you're using your telekinesis to type in the first place. Like any sensible person, you carry five computers on your person at all times, but it would be nice if you didn't have to replace them so often when they explode from psychic pressure.

You're going to have to settle things with the cat girl soon. Too bad just killing her with your brain isn't an option; Equius and Karkat would flip their shit so hard. No way are you going black for her like everyone seems to think you should.

You don't know why the princess picked now of all times to try and fill all of your quadrants, but you kind of wish she'd stop. At least partly. Oh gog you hope you aren't just imagining her flushed interest in you – if it really is too good to be true and you fuck up your friendship making ridiculous presumptions you hope you just bleed out from every orifice.

> Far away...

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering elegantBotanist [EB] \--  
GT: kanaya? come on, talk to me.  
EB: Why Are You Contacting Me  
EB: I Should Think Changing My Handle And Neglecting To Inform You Would Be Enough Of A Hint That I Have No Interest In Interacting With You Further  
GT: look, kanaya, i just feel really bad about how things went down at i think we should talk about things.  
GT: i don't want there to be any hard feelings.  
EB: Hard Feelings  
EB: Why Of Course I Harbor No Hard Feelings What Could Possibly Give You That Impression  
EB: That Was That Thing You Told Me About Called Human Sarcasm Could You Tell  
EB: So Was That In Case You Are Having Trouble Keeping Up  
GT: hehe yeah you're getting pretty good at that.  
GT: but what i'm trying to say is that i'm sorry. i didn't mean for you to get hurt.  
EB: Oh You Didnt Hmm  
EB: That Is Why You Encouraged Me Ever Forward While Simultaneously Destroying Any Chance Of My Success  
EB: To Keep Me From Getting Hurt  
EB: You Knew What Would Happen  
GT: i didn't!  
EB: You Have The Ability To Observe Us From Any Point In Our Timelines You Choose How Could You Possibly Not Have Known  
GT: because i didn't look ahead! i try to keep this whole thing as sane as possible, which means only looking forward when i have to, not zooming around from moment to moment on a whim!  
EB: So You Would Prefer I Attribute This Betrayal To Stupidity Rather Than Malice  
GT: yes! No! i mean, come on...  
GT: kanaya, i was rooting for you all along. i know you don't believe it but i was. i wanted you to have a chance, and that's why i told you to go for it.  
EB: Bullshit  
GT: what do you mean, bullshit?  
EB: I Mean If You Actually Felt Any Scrap Of Pity For Me You Would Have Taken My Feelings Into Consideration And Looked Ahead To See If I Was Successful  
EB: And Then Used The Information You Discovered To Encourage Or Stop Me  
GT: so, what, i should have let fate decide? instead of giving you the chance to make the choice out of your own free will?  
EB: A Chance  
EB: How Arrogant You Humans Must Be To Believe That Your Own Ignorance Can Somehow Magically Alter Causality  
EB: When Only One Path To Success Exists Simply Closing Your Eyes And Blocking Your Ears Will Not Allow Variation To Occur  
EB: In A Known Timeline Free Will Is A Comforting Illusion And Nothing More  
GT: wow, way to be depressing as hell. and i'm not even gonna bother pointing out that if i have no free will i couldn't have chosen to do things differently.  
EB: You Just Did See Also Fuck You  
GT: but fine. i screwed up, you got hurt. i'm sorry.  
EB: Is That So  
EB: Then Why If You Knew How Desperate I Was To Form A Red Connection With Her Did You Immediately Enter Into A Moiraillegiance With Her Cutting Off My Only Remaining Hope Since The Flushed Quadrant Was Not An Option So Obviously To Everyone But Me And Supposedly You  
GT: ...that wasn't about you, or even about me. that was about vriska.  
GT: she needed me to help her, so i did.  
EB: And You Could Not Have Given Me A Chance To Fill That Role  
EB: I Could Have Helped Her Likely More Easily Than A Culturally Ignorant Alien Even And You Knew I Wanted The Chance  
GT: maybe. but i didn't want to leave this to chance. i got into this moiraillegiance because a) i knew i could help her, b) she made a huge leap in asking me to, and c) i'm actually pale for her too, you know!  
EB: Hmm So Your Magical Ignorance Powers Werent Sufficient In This Case I See  
GT: no! they weren't!  
GT: jeez, kanaya, you're being kind of ridiculous right now. i may not know a lot about troll society, but i do know that talking about breaking up moirails is pretty low.  
EB: Honestly I Am Far Beyond Caring About Propriety And Civility Right Now  
EB: But Fine Enough About Vriska  
EB: Let Us Discuss Our Own Relationship Since You Seem Incapable Of Just Taking A Hint And Staying The Fuck Away From Me  
EB: You Have Demonstrated Repeatedly That You Are Not As Stupid As You Pretend To Be  
EB: Thus I Must Conclude That Rather Than Pity Me You Hate Me And Any Indications Otherwise Are Feigned  
GT: what? i'll admit you're really starting to piss me off with how unreasonable you're being, but i don't hate you.  
EB: That Is Both Unlikely And Irrelevant Because I Certainly Have Come To Hate You Back  
EB: You Despicable Little Boy  
EB: For One So Little Versed In The Ways Of Hate You Have Done An Impressive Job Toying With My Emotions And Setting Me Up For Failure After Failure I Will Admit  
EB: But You Are But An Imbecilic Student Sitting At The Feet Of A Master Begging For A Tidbit Of Attention  
GT: kanaya, calm down! i just wanted to try and reason with you so maybe we could be friends, is all!  
GT: i don't get why you won't believe me!  
EB: Well Congratulations Brat You Have The Masters Attention And Will Soon Feel The Heat Of Her Wrath As She Schoolfeeds You In What Manipulation Really Means  
EB: I Will Require No Temporal Nonsense Or Other Ridiculous Toys To Render The Rest Of Your Miserable Existence Brief As It May Be Unto A Living Hell  
GT: wait.  
GT: wait wait wait.  
GT: are you...  
GT: hitting on me?  
EB: …  
EB: Im Sorry I Thought That Was Obvious  
GT: i gotta go bye  
\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering elegantBotanist [EB] \-- 

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
GT: rose?  
GT: rose are you there?  
TT: What do you want, John?  
GT: uh.  
GT: uuuuuuuum.  
TT: What?  
GT: i think i need an auspistice...  
TT: Dammit, John.

Uh oh – the force of Rose's scorn seems to have caused pesterchum to render a font style it's not normally capable of. That can't be a good sign.

> Alternate Session: End of Day 17.

TG: you knew this was gonna happen all along  
Most of it, yes.  
TG: and you let her walk right into it like a chump  
TG: nevermind the rest of us you set up your own granddaughter to die  
Very little of that statement is actually true, but I can see why it would seem that way to you.  
TG: you know i used to think you were a decent man  
TG: but i guess i was wrong about all of that wasnt i  
David. The Game isn't over yet.  
TG: well its looking pretty fucking hopeless and shes still doomed no matter what we do  
I'm surprised at you, David. You should know by now that doomed is just another word. You and your sister are masters of words, are you not?  
TG: what  
TG: were supposed to be able to fix this somehow  
TG: well fine then old man cut the cryptic bullshit for three seconds and TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO ALREADY  
All in due time, dear boy. The first step in that process lies in answering the person attempting to contact you as we speak. I would advise you to reign in your temper before conversing with her, however.  
I will leave you to it. You know how to reach me when you will.  
\-- ??? ceased contacting turntechGodhead [TG] \-- 

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
AA: hey dave  
AA: s0 i fucking finally have the precise am0unt 0f m0ney you asked f0r  
AA: 612 b00nb0nds  
AA: i had t0 start 0ver like three times because vriska kept stealing all my l00t s0 this had better be w0rth all that time i wasted!  
TG: babe thats pocket change i make that much by the hour on the lohacse  
AA: then what did y0u want it f0r, anyway?  
TG: dunno cant recall asking you for it  
TG: who the fuck are you anyway  
TG: how the hell did you get this handle and where the heck could you possibly be pestering me from earth is fucking dust  
AA: ...dave, it's me, aradia  
TG: not ringing any bells here  
AA: 0h n0  
AA: n0n0n0  
AA: fuck y0u turnways with a steamr0ller!  
AA: i went thr0ugh all that bullshit just s0 we c0uld have 0ur first c0nversati0n?  
TG: apparently  
AA: 0h g0g y0u re such an assh0le!!!  
TG: this doesnt sound like my usual kind of assholery but explain a bit more and yeah it probably will  
AA: bluh fine!  
AA: hi, i'm aradia megid0, i'm an alien, there's twelve 0f us, we're playing the game t00, we're the 0nes wh0 fucked y0u 0ver 0r whatever, here's 0ur handles, blah blah blah  
\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file “0urhandles.txt” --  
AA: n0w g0 get sn00ping and meddling and ruining everything 0r whatever!  
AA: i'm 0ff t0 give future y0u a piece 0f my mind  
AA: by which i mean a telekinetic bulgepunch  
AA: i swear t0 g0g if y0u d0n't find a use f0r that fucking m0ney s0meh0w i will strangle y0u with a whip made fr0m y0ur 0wn intestines, capiche?  
\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TG: uh  
TG: ok then


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day, a month, same thing, right?
> 
> please don't stone me it's my birthday

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board ASSHOLE RUMPUS ROUNDUP

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board ASSHOLE RUMPUS ROUNDUP

CCG: ALRIGHT ALL YOU NOOKSNIFFING MORONS, LISTEN UP!  
CCG: SOLLUX IS NOW IN, COMPLETING OUR STUPID MOEBIUS WRAP CLUSTERFUCK OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED. IN LIGHT OF THIS AND A BUNCH OF OTHER BULLSHIT WE REALLY SHOULD ALL HAVE KNOWN FROM THE BEGINNING -  
CCG: AND YES, AT, I AM IMPLICITLY CALLING YOU OUT ON THIS, SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK DUDE -  
CCG: THE RED AND BLUE TEAMS ARE FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD OFFICIALLY DISSOLVED.  
CCG: EVERYONE - AND I DO MEAN EVERYONE, WHATEVER TEAM YOU WERE ON BEFORE - IS TO CHECK IN HERE IMMEDIATELY UPON READING THIS MEMO.  
CCG: IF WE WANT TO ACTUALLY WIN THIS GAME AND NOT BE CRUSHED UNDER THE COLOSSAL WEIGHT OF OUR COLLECTIVE PSYCHOSIS, WE’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER FOR ONCE IN OUR MISERABLE LIVES.  
CCG: IN MY INFINITE MAGNANIMITY I MAY EVEN WITHHOLD FROM BANNING YOU FOR WHATEVER INCONCEIVABLE NEW LEVEL OF STUPIDITY YOU SOMEHOW MANAGE TO VOMIT FROM YOUR HIDEOUS PROTEIN CHUTES.  
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator 0:04 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FGC: H3Y K4RK4T, DO3S TH1S M34N YOU 4DM1T D3F34T? >||]  
CCG: NO, AND ALSO FUCK OFF, TEREZI. I’M STILL IN CHARGE.  
FGC: WH4T, DO YOU HON3STLY 3XP3CT TH3 WHOL3 BLU3 T34M TO SUDD3NLY BOW DOWN TO YOU? OH GOG, YOUR N41V3T3 1S SO V3RY 4DOR4BL3!  
CCG: YES, IN FACT, I DO.  
CURRENT centaursTesticle RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCT: D--> This is e%cruciatingly impr0per  
CCT: D--> I cann0t even pr0perly c0mmunicate h0w 100d the idea 0f a mutant such as y0urself simply declaring himself ab0ve all 0f us is  
CCT: D--> The empress will never all0w this  
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller 2:16 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCC: Y-ES, in fact, s)(e WILL. I have OFIS)(S)(-ELLY ceded command of t)(e IMP-ERIAL R-EMNANT to ACTING R-EG-ENT Karcrab for t)(e duration of t)(is game. Anyone w)(o acknowledges my rule as -Empress will accept )(is orders as t)(oug)( t)(ey were my own. Is t)(at clear?  
CCT: D-->  
CCT: D--> Yes  
FCC: GOOD. 38I  
CCT: D--> I seem t0 be leaking 0il fr0m my faceplate  
CCT: D--> This feature is n0t inc100ded in my schemati%  
FCC: TMI, ---Equius!!! 3XD )(---E-E )(---E-E )(---E-E  
FCC: O)( wow, acting all aut)(oritative like t)(is is ---EX)(AUSTING! I )(ope you’ll be okay, Karcrab! 38D  
CCG: I THINK SOMEHOW I’LL SURVIVE.  
CCG: CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN ON MAKING THE FIRST REASONABLE DECISION OF YOUR IMPOSSIBLY RIDICULOUS LIFE, FEFERI.  
CCG: DO YOU FEEL THAT STRANGE TINGLE IN THE BACK OF YOUR THINK PAN? THAT’S CALLED SANITY. SAVOR IT, FOR I’M SURE IT WILL DIE THE MOMENT I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR TWO SECONDS.  
FCC: O)(, you’re suc)( a clownfis)(. I’ll glub to you all later, okay?  
FCC: OMG I just saw t)(e COOL---EST STARFIS)(  
FCC ceased responding to memo.  
FGC: OK 1 H4V3 TO 4DM1T 1 D1DN’T S33 TH4T COM1NG  
FGC: CONGR4TUL4T1ONS, YOU F1N4LLY GOT ON3 P4ST M3  
FGC: 1 W4S B3G1NN1NG TO TH1NK 1 W4S TH3 ONLY ON3 1NV3ST3D 1N TH1S R3L4T1ONSH1P  
FGC: L3T’S S33, TH4T M4K3S 1T...  
FGC: K4RKL3S: 1  
FGC: T3R3Z1: 1025  
CCG: THIS IS SO NOT THE TIME THAT THE TIME COULDN’T RECOGNIZE IT AFTER WATCHING A NIGHTTIME TV BIOGRAPHICAL FILM.  
CCG: NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE SCOOP, GET THE FUCK OFF THIS BOARD SO EVERYONE ELSE CAN POST UNLESS YOU WANT MY FIRST ACT AS REGENT TO BE STRANGLING YOU WITH YOUR OWN TONGUE.  
CCG: (THE TIME IS FORTY MINUTES FROM NOW, TROLL ME THEN SO I CAN GLOAT PROPERLY)  
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3, F1N3 TH3N, MY LORD >||P  
FGC ceased responding to memo.  
CCG: THANK YOU. NOW WILL THE REST OF YOU SPONGEPANNED IDIOTS ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION FOR THE TWO MINUTES IT TAKES TO CHECK THE FUCK IN ALREADY?  
PAST arsenicCatnip 0:23 MINUTES AGO began responding to memo.  
PAC: :33 < conglaturations, karkitty! i’m sure you’ll be a pawsitively purrfect leader!  
CCG: THANK YOU, NEPETA. IT’S ALWAYS NICE TO HAVE A REMINDER THAT THERE ARE ACTUALLY MULTIPLE PEOPLE ON THIS TEAM CAPABLE OF BEING REASONABLE WHEN PRESSED.  
PAC: :33 < h33 h33, i can purractically h33r you pr33ning all the way ofur h33r  
CCT: D--> Nepeta  
CCG: YEAH YEAH, WE KNOW, FUCKING SHUT UP ALREADY.  
CCT: D--> Yes sir  
CCT: D--> S0 l0ng as y0u understand that 0ur agreement still stands  
CCG banned CCT from responding to memo.  
CCG: I GET IT, NOW FUCK OFF.  
PAST elegantBotanist 0:15 MINUTES AGO began responding to memo.  
PEB: I Suppose This Is As Good A Time As Any To Check In  
PEB: I Am Glad To Hear That We Have Dispensed With All This Red And Blue Team Nonsense It Always Struck Me As A Waste Of Time  
PEB: I Do Hope That This Discussion Can Continue Without Me However As I Must Soon Depart For My First Gate If We Are Ever Going To Complete This Game  
FUTURE adiosToreador 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW began responding to memo.  
FAT: uH, JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE NEON GREEN ONES UNTIL YOU’RE HIGHER LEVEL, oK,  
FAT: tHEY’RE, uH, NOT VERY GOOD AT, CHASING, SO, JUST RUN,  
FAT: dON’T TRY TO, FIGHT THEM, UH, UNTIL YOU’VE POWERLEVELED A BIT,  
PEB: I Will Endeavor To Do As You Suggest  
CCG: THERE YOU ARE, YOU MISERABLE SON OF A BITCH.  
FAT: uHHM, mY CURRENT SELF IS BUSY, NOT DYING, BUT HE WILL RESPOND IN A LITTLE BIT, SO YOU CAN, YELL AT HIM THEN,  
FAT ceased responding to memo.  
CURRENT arachnidsGrip RIGHT NOW began responding to memo.  
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, tyyyyyyyypical Tavros.  
CAG: I 8et he didn’t even try to fight his imps 8efore a8sconding.  
PAST apocalypseArisen 3:14 HOURS AGO began responding to memo.  
PAA: y0u realize that this mess is as much y0ur fault as his right  
PAA: y0u make a ridicul0us mess as usual just by n0t paying attenti0n and as usual i’m the 0ne wh0 has t0 pick up the pieces  
CAG: I w8s distr8cted!!!!!!!!  
CAG: 8esides, aren’t you the one who looooooooved making us play through your silly “save the world from annihil8tion” FLARP campaigns? Think of this as an opportunity for the 8etter half of Team Charge to show off her expertise.  
PAA: whatever vriska i d0n’t even care  
PAA: as f0r the change in leadership i d0n’t care ab0ut that either  
PAA: karkat will be an 0kay leader i guess 0_0  
CCG: ...WAIT A MINUTE, YOU WEREN’T EVEN IN 3 HOURS AGO! WHAT THE FUCK?  
PAA: time player shenanigans d0n’t w0rry i have it all under c0ntr0l  
CCG: FINE. AND VRISKA, DON’T THINK YOU’RE OFF THE HOOK JUST YET. AS SOON AS WE’RE DONE WITH THIS MEMO YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A VERY LONG CHAT ABOUT SERVER RESPONSIBILITIES.  
CCG: MURDER MAY OR MAY NOT BE INVOLVED. I’M GOING TO PLAY IT BY EAR.  
CAG: whateeeeeeeever, karkat.  
FUTURE caligulasAquarium 0:42 MINUTES FROM NOW began responding to memo.  
FCA: wwell i guess this looks important or somefin  
FCA: should i actually read it or is it just a huge wwaste a time like usual  
CCG: ALL OF MY MEMOS ARE FUCKING WORKS OF ART YOU ENCEPHALITIC DOUCHENOZZLE. BUT YES, THIS ONE IS SERIOUSLY FUCKING IMPORTANT, SO GO READ IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.  
FCA: pssh fin wwhatevver  
CURRENT twinArmaggedons RIGHT NOW began responding to memo.  
CTA: yeah whiile he2 doiing that ii’d ju2t liike two 2ay thank2 a lot, KK, my beehiive2 are fuckiing ruiined forever.  
CTA: bee2. my cod. why the fuck diid you prototype them.  
CTA: and why the fuck can’t the iimps tell they’re two biig two fiit iin the hiive2 anymore, 2eriiou2ly.  
CCG: WELL WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO PROTOTYPE, YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT BEETH AND COMPUTERS.  
CCG: WAS I SUPPOSED TO GIVE EVERY ENEMY IN THE GAME ACCESS TO YOUR STUPID CURSE EVERYTHING FOREVER SCRIPTS IN ADDITION TO THE BULLSHIT GODMODE THEY ALREADY HAVE?  
FCA: wwait wwhat  
FCA: wwhat the fuck  
FCA: wwhy wwould fef glubbin do that  
FCA: cod  
CTA: do you have any iidea how much that 2hiit co2t2, KK?  
CCG: YEAH, LIKE MONEY MEANS MORE THAN SHIT NOW.  
FCA: don’t fuckin ignore me i wwant answwers  
CTA: 2hut up ED, the biig boy2 are talkiing. deal wiith iit.  
CTA: B :| B :| B:|  
CTA banned FCA from responding to memo.  
CTA:   
CCG: ANYWAY, WHERE THE FUCK IS GAMZEE?  
FUTURE terminallyCapricious 3:49 HOURS FROM NOW began responding to memo.  
FTC: RIGHT here MOTHERFUCKERS.  
CAG: oh g8d  
CCG: GAMZEE... WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THAT.  
FTC: whoa, BRO, is SOMETHING the MOTHERFUCKING matter WITH the WAY i TYPE?  
CAG: g8t it aw8y g8t it aw8y g8t it aw8y g8t it aw8y g8t it aw8y g8t it aw8y g8t it aw8y g8t it aw8y  
FTC: sorry, SIS, i WASN’T trying TO get MY motherfucking SCARE on.  
FTC: HONK Do:  
CCG: OH GOG FUCKING DAMMIT THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE LAST FUCKING THING I NEED RIGHT NOW.  
CCG: SHIT SHIT SHIT WHERE THE FUCK IS TAVROS  
FTC: my MAIN motherfucker’s RIGHT here, BRO!  
FTC: lemme PUT him ON for YOU.  
FTC: honk :o)  
CCG: I SWEAR IF ITS A FUCKING HEADPUPPET I WILL SHIT ALL OF THE RAGESNAKE.  
CURRENT elegantBotanist RIGHT NOW began responding to memo.  
CEB: Vriska Appears To Have Collapsed Does Anyone Know  
CEB: Oh  
CEB: Oh My  
FTC: oK, uHH, dON’T PANIC,  
FTC: wHILE gAMZEE BEING SOBER IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT, THAT i AM STATING FOR THE RECORD,  
FTC: tHAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT, A PSYCHOTIC BREAK, IS WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE,  
CCG: OH GOOD, DR. BULLSHIT HAS GIVEN HIM A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH, NOW WE CAN ALL NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING MURDERED!  
CCG: NOT FUCKING LIKELY, NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME.  
FTC: rEALLY, wHILE EVERYTHING IS NOT, EXACTLY FINE, i HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL,  
FTC: hE’S NOT DANGEROUS,  
FTC: uHH, tO US AT LEAST,  
FTC: tRUST ME,  
CCG: YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU’RE ASKING? ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU PROMISED THIS WOULD NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN ON YOUR WATCH.  
FTC: i KNOW, BUT REALLY, IT’S OK,  
FTC: aND WE’RE GOING TO NEED SOME MIRACLES, TO HAPPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE, vERY SOON,  
CCG: I SWEAR TO WHATEVER DEITY HASN’T UTTERLY ABANDONED US THAT IF YOU’RE WRONG I WILL SHIT ON YOUR CORPSE AFTER HE’S DONE WITH IT AND THEN FEED IT TO YOUR DREAMSELF, GOT IT?  
FTC: uH, oK,  
??? tentacleTherapist AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
?TT: I volunteer my services as divine witness to this oath.  
CCG: OH, FUCK MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. REALLY?  
??? turntechGodhead AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
?TG: listen kaykay tv may not be the most convincing dude in the world but my man gz is the least of your worries right now  
CCG: YEAH, LIKE I’M GOING TO LISTEN TO YOUR OPINION ON HIM.  
?TG: yeah okay i fucked that up pretty hardcore i admit but right now you gotta be paying attention to the rings  
?TT: To be more precise, it is imperative that you carefully track the movements of the prototyping artifacts, as the royals, both Prospitian and Dersite, of your game do not seem to be particularly good at holding on to them.  
?TG: the kings and queens got rules about when they can and cant hurt players which basically boil down to not until the endgame but the rest of the lot have no such thing  
?TG: eventually a real scumbag of a dersite is gonna get his hands on one and you NEED to know exactly when and where if youre gonna have any chance to survive this clusterfuck  
CURRENT adiosToreador RIGHT NOW began responding to memo.  
CAT: uH, OK, i THINK i LOST ALL THE IMPS,  
CAT: uM, WHAT,  
??? ghostyTrickster AT ?:?? began responding to memo.  
?GT: don’t try to stop it from happening! it’s already a sure thing, or else we wouldn’t be talking to you right now. but you have to keep track of this creep or he’ll kill you all, and no one wants that.  
CAT: wHAT IS GOING ON?  
CCG: WAIT, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY ANYWAY?  
??? gardenGnostic AT ?:?? began responding to memo.  
?GG: dersite archagent jack noir. a real nasty bastard >:(  
CAT: wHAT,  
CAT: jADE?  
?GG: hi tavros! sorry for not telling you everything, but since i know you lied to me a bunch, we’ll call it even, ok? ;P  
CAT: uH,  
CCG: GREAT, ARE ANY MORE OF YOU ALIENS GOING TO CRAWL OUT OF THE WALLS?  
CAT: aLIENS, wHAT,  
?GG: ummmmmm...  
?TG: fuck harley you really didnt tell him shit did you  
CCG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT THE ALIENS WHO’VE BEEN PESTERING US FOR SWEEPS?  
CAT: wAS i, THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN’T KNOW, THEY WERE ALIENS?  
PAA: pr0bably yes 0_0  
CTA: ii2n’t iit obviiou2?  
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator 0:12 MINUTES FROM NOW began responding to memo.  
FGC2: Y34H 1T K1ND4 W4S  
CEB: I Was Aware  
PAC: :33 < i new too, and so did equius!  
FUTURE caligulasAquarium 2:31 HOURS FROM NOW began responding to memo.  
FCA2: ros i am here to duel you  
?TT: Not in the middle of the memo, Mister Ampora.  
FCA2: FINE  
FCA2: then i wwill sit here consumed wwith wwrath for the rest a the evvenin  
CURRENT terminallyCapricious RIGHT NOW began responding to memo.  
CTC: sHiT, bRo, EvEn I kNeW wHaT aLl ThAt WaS mOtHeRfUcKiNg AbOuT.  
CCG: OH, GREAT, NOW OF ALL TIMES YOU SHOW UP.  
CAT: oK, i GUESS THAT EXPLAINS SOME OF THE THINGS i SAW, iN THE CLOUDS,  
CAT: aND i FEEL LESS BAD, ABOUT NOT TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT, pROSPIT,  
CCG: YOU’RE STILL IN FOR A SMACKDOWN FOR THAT LITTLE BIT OF INCREDIBLE IDIOCY WHERE YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED TO PROTOTYPE YOUR FUCKING DEVILBEAST LUSUS, YOU MISERABLE LITTLE SHIT.  
CEB: I Think Youll Find That The Guilt For That Incident Belongs To John  
CCG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.  
?GT: er.  
CCG: ARE YOU SHITTING ME?  
?GT: well, maybe, a tiny bit kinda...  
?GT: we were talking a8out important things!!!!!!!! we just lost track of time!!!!!!!!  
CCG: AGHUGAGATRHATRGUO;BJK;ASDHADS HU;GHE  
?GT: tavros, before he murders me, can you please go to vriskas place and get her to her computer so i can snap her out of her panic attack?  
CAT: oK, ON IT,  
CCG: ROGHAEGBIPAE;GHAERGNSFNADNGADFGHRGHAERT JWIOGRBGEOAN  
?GT: thanks. running now.  
  
?GT ceased responding to memo.  
  
CCG: ARHGAGHOA;G;ADPGIAEFHUAERGHERTBERTHJEWFMDFGWJIGNGRHOFAEGHWROGNEGRJGNAEJNGAERGHGJHARGHAERGB  
  
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller RIGHT NOW began responding to memo.  
  
CCC: Guys, )(as anyone seen my mom around? I can’t find )(er, and I’m reely getting worried...  
  
CCC: I know s)(e came in wit)( me, so w)(ere could s)(e )(ave gotten two?  
  
FCA: fef all our lusii havve vvaninshed  
  
FCA: so long as wwe finish this before wwe gotta feed her again wwho cares wwhat she does in the mean time  
  
CCG: DGHODG;HHI;RTHAGHBDBJGNGHJBNKLGFNKLBRB  
  
FCA: fuck there are no wwhales left and i bet she cant eat angels so i hope wwe dont gotta feed her again  
  
CCC: ----ERI!!! I’m worried about )(er!  
  
FCA: fef shes gigantic nothin can touch her  
  
?TT: Not true, unfortunately.  
  
CCC: O)( NO!!! 38(  
  
?TT: Princess, you’re mother waits for you in the Farthest Ring, where you will see her soon. Trust her words, no matter what they are.  
  
CCC: ...W)(y wouldn’t I?  
  
?GG: you’ll see :(  
  
CCG: OH, GREAT, SO NOT ONLY ARE WE SHARING A REALITY WITH MOMTHULHU, SHE CAN ACTUALLY DIE HERE WHERE WE’LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER?  
  
FGC2: 4R3 YOU DON3 POUND1NG YOUR K3YBO4RD TH3N?  
  
CCG: YES.  
  
CCG: FUCK, THE ASSHOLES ON ALTERNIA AND THE FLEET HAD IT EASY JUST BEING KILLED BY METEORS, DIDN’T THEY.  
  
?TT: Circumstances are indeed dire. Persevere, however, and most of you will only die once or twice in the process.  
  
CCG: FUCKING. JOY.  
  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW began responding to memo.  
  
FCG: ARE YOU NOOKSNIFFERS DONE YET?  
  
FCG: GOG, KNOWING THAT THIS WAS THE LEAST PAINFULLY IDIOTIC MEMO WE EVER HAD JUST MADE ME THROW UP IN MY MOUTH A LITTLE.  
  
FCG closed memo on board ASSHOLE RUMPUS ROUNDUP.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i liiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee

> Six days ago, in an alternate session:

> Be one of the Midnight Crew.

You are now SPADES SLICK.

That is to say, you are now Dersite Archagent Jack Noir, a member of the ridiculous jazz band the Black Queen insisted you create years ago, but the midget following you around insists on calling you by your stage name for some inane reason you didn’t pay attention to while she was gushing, so you suppose you might as well go by Slick for the moment.

The brat follows along behind you, chattering into her earmuffs or scarf of whatever the fuck else she’s carrying is a computer as you trudge across the frozen hellhole that is the Land of Frost and Frogs. Following behind her is her dog/frog combo monstrosity of a sprite. The thing creeps you right the fuck out, but you have to give it credit for pissing off the Queen enough to toss out her ring and throw the game completely off the rails.

For all that she never shuts up, you’ve got to admit the twerp is useful to have around. She’s absurdly deadly with those rifles of hers, and never hesitates to riddle whatever you point her at with bullets. She takes all of your bile and violence without complaint, almost eagerly, in fact, like she’s starstruck. She’s got all of Deuce’s helpfulness and cheer and all of Droog’s effortless precision. She’d be a dead useful addition to the Crew.

It’s almost a pity you’ve got orders to show her your stabs on a more permanent basis than usual.

  
TT: It’s time for you to go.   
TT: We’ve waited long enough.   
GG: i guess you made it, then?   
TT: Out of date though they may be, my brother’s maps proved sufficient.   
GG: that’s good, i guess   
GG: you didn’t run into any trouble?   
TT: Our friends out here kept me quite safe, just as I assured you they would.   
GG: jeez, i get it ._.   
GG: i was wrong, they’re trustworthy   
TT: You’re stalling, Jade.   
TT: Don’t you think we’ve waited long enough?   
GG: i know, it’s been like four months   
GG: but can you blame me for wanting to have one last nice conversation with my best friend? :(   
TT: No, I suppose not.   


> SS: Be Clubs Deuce.

You are now Diamonds Droog.

The Prince of Derse is one slippery little asshole. Four times now you’ve thought you got him and it turned out to be a doomed time clone. Finally, though, you’re sure you’ve figured out how that trick works, and you’ve got him right where you want him, ready to take him out for good.

You’ve set up a perfect sniper’s nest in the Land of Heat and Clockwork, somewhere you have a perfect view of Alpha Dave but he has no chance of ever seeing you. You draw your JACK OF DIAMONDS and ready your favorite gun, the Heya Simo. It’s no marvel, just a battered infantry rifle with a bayonet, not even a scope, but in hands as skilled as yours there’s no deadlier machine in the Incipisphere.

You’ve got a perfect shot at the back of the kid’s head; a flick of your finger and no time shenanigans can sae him. All you’re waiting on now is your boss’s word.

  
GG: are you okay??   
TT: I told you I ran into no trouble, did I not?   
GG: that’s not a yes   
TT: ...   
TT: As expected, I will henceforth experience difficulties with my vision.   
GG: oh nooooo D:   
TT: Never fear - I was prepared for this eventuality, and appropriated a pair of David’s old shades to cover my no doubt hideous disfigurement.   
TT: I am now just like something out of your Japanese animes, Jade.   
GG: rooose, don’t make me laugh while i’m trying to cry, my face gets all confused *w;   
TT: Heh.   


> DD: Be Hearts Boxcars.

You are now Clubs Deuce.

The Heir waves you on as he stops to talk to his friend the Seer. You think it’s wonderful that they are such good friends. It’s amazing how many friends the Heir has: the Seer, the Knight, the Witch, his Dadsprite, Casey and a bunch of other salamanders, these Nic Cage and Bill Cosby people, and even you!

You run up the hill in the Land of Wind and Shade to the Heir’s Quest Bed. Once you’re out of sight, you draw your THREE, FOUR, and ACE OF CLUBS and lay them on the bed, wiring them up to blow when you press your detonator. That done, you run back down the hill far enough to be out of the blast radius, but not far enough to listen in on the Heir’s private conversation! You’re too good a friend to do something like that!

For a moment you get a bad feeling in your abdominal digestion tubing. Then you realize it’s just gas. No more listening to Casey about snacks!

  
TT: No need to mourn for my eyes, Jade. There is a reason we sent our Seer to gaze upon the , not our Witch.   
GG: i guess so   
GG: what’s the view like from there?   
TT: Beyond wondrous. It is beyond even my mastery of language to describe.   
TT: I See the light of countless infinities of What Ifs and Might Have Beens arrayed before me, many familiar, a few barely recognizable as different, but most strange and alien beyond all imagination.   
TT: I’m not even alone here: so many billions of Seers watch with me...   
TT: How many of their journeys are ending just as ours is, I wonder? How I’d love to hear their stories...   
TT: Alas, I have an important job to do. So do they, I imagine.   
GG: wow...   
GG: hey, do you think   
GG: i mean, we’re trying to break into a different timeline, here   
GG: i bet this must happen all the time, that all these worlds must be a lot more interconnected than we think!   


  


> CD: Be Spades Slick.

You are now Hearts Boxcars.

You’re really regretting being assigned to follow the classy dame, especially now that she’s crying over that idiot boy of hers. You’d really rather be there, strangling him and yelling at him to kiss the goddamn girl already, instead of here in the Land of Light and Rain watching her struggle to keep her dignity.

Damn dames, going and making your job harder.

You draw your KING OF HEARTS and set it over your shoulder. Tiny as she is and with her guard so low, she’s got no chance of surviving a swing of your axe. This’ll be easy.

No chance you’ll hesitate when the call comes.

None at all.

  
GG: have you decided where you’ll go when i’ve left?   
TT: There are many worlds with times Skaia won’t touch for millennia. Eventually I will make my way to one. In theory I will thus avoid any "doomed" status beyond my own mortality.   
TT: First, though I want to try to contact those like me, whose purpose has been served and are free of Skaia’s chains.   
TT: There is so much to be learned, so many stories to hear...   
GG: so many heads to shrink? :3   
TT: Of course.   
GG: it’s basically your heaven out there, isn’t it?   
TT: Squamous betentacled monstrosities wailing in broodfester tongues and all, yes. Though I must admit it feels callous to exclaim my excitement over what is to come, knowing what you must do.   
GG: don’t start that again!!   
GG: i’m all psychoanalyzed out!   
GG: we both know i’m ready for this >:|   
TT: I suppose I was never going to convince you otherwise. I can see now that this was inevitable.   
GG: you mean you’ve found our alpha?   
TT: Indeed.   


> HB: Be Diamonds Droog.

You are now Clubs Deuce.

The Heir is approaching his Quest Bed nervously. Standing back, you wait for him to get just a little closer while Casey glubs at your side.

The Heir steps inside the blast radius. You quickly call Spades to tell him it’s time, then ceremoniously press the button on your detonator ohshitgreen-

> CD: Be Diamonds Droog.

You are now Spades Slick.

The signal from Clubs given, you call Diamonds and Hearts to give them the go-ahead. The twerp looks at you in confusion.

Suddenly Clubs calls again. He says the Witch grabbed the Heir and pulled him away from the blast and then kicked him off a cliff. You say what the fuck she’s right next to me. He says oh, but she teleported, did you see her teleport away. You say no she never teleported you’ve been watching her the whole time and since when can she do that anyway, and can he still see the derp kid. He says no because he’s still falling off a cliff. The twerp looks at you in surprise.

You call Diamonds, saying did he kill the fucking prick. He says no, there was a swirl of green and a yell and all of a sudden his gun was gone. You say fuck. He says he’ll have to call you back because the Prince is gone and a few dozen of his time clones are running over to say hello. The twerp looks at you in shock.

You call Hearts, saying please fucking gog tell me you he got the broad. He says no, when he was about to swing there was a flash of green and suddenly the idiot was there swinging his hammer to block, and that he has to grant him that it was pretty chivalrous. You say did you hesitate you useless shit. He says no of course not oh fuck this kid’s got big hammers. You say fuck again. The twerp looks at you in horror.

Oh well. Time to...cut your losses. Hey, that one was actually pretty good. You make a note to remember it for next time as you draw your ACE OF SPADES and level the Regisword at the still frozen brat.

Suddenly a swirl appears on the ground, in the shape of the symbol of Space and the brat’s color ridiculous neon color, and a second girl appears on top of it. It’s unmistakably her, but wearing a different dress, wielding Droog’s gun, and looking angry. You’ve never

seen her look more than annoyed bef-

OH HOLY JEGUS SHIT SHE SHOT YOUR ARM OFF

You frantically draw random cards from your deck and toss them at her, but they all go wide, and she’s given up shooting and opted to charge at you with her bayonet instead, but you leap out of the way and draw another card, this time taking careful aim-

She teleports out of the way.

Her doppelganger, right behind her, does not.

The original brat looks down at the dagger piercing her chest with a bemused expression, then crumples to the ground. Her strange clone watches in horror, then gives a bestial scream and charges at you, planting her bayonet in your eye.

Ow.

> DD: Abscond.

Ow ow fuck.

> HB: Lose.

Owwwww.

> CD: Land already.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwww.

You don’t think you want to be one of the Midnight Crew right now.

  
GG: ok   
GG: then i guess it’s time for me to say goodbye :’)   
GG: i’ve got wrongs to right, friends to save, butts to kick!!!   
GG: and no spoilers, okay??   
TT: I insist on one. It will all be worth it in the end.   
GG: :) i’ll make sure of it!!!!!   
TT: I have always been lousy at goodbyes, I’m afraid.   
TT: I have nothing to say, but for one thing: I want to assure you that, for all my caustic grumpiness, I have loved you dearer than a sister since we met.   
GG: i know. and i hope you know i love you too! <3   
GG: no doubting and looking for passive aggressive attacks in that allowed, missy!!! >:)   
TT: I promise.   
GG: good!!!   
GG: and if you ever run into our boys out there, be sure to give them my love, ok???   
TT: Of course.   


==>

DEAD

> Beta Jade: Do a victory dance.

No.

Oh god, no.

All that time and work and sacrifice and everything is still ruined forever.

Why the fuck did you dodge??? You were supposed to be the one to die, not her!!!

> Beta Jade: Call like a loon and make out with your corpse.

N-no!

God why would you even consider that?! Why would it even occur to you!

It’s not like that would bring her back or anything. She’s not Sleeping Beauty! That would be ridiculous.

==>

This can’t possibly be the Alpha timeline, not with its Witch dead...

Wait. There’s an easy way to check: call your Grandpa! You know he’s aware of events in alternate timelines, but he either can’t or won’t talk to people in them, so if he doesn’t answer, that must mean this is another doomed one, and maybe you or Dave can try again!

You know he’s not actually your Grandpa, or even the biological father you might have called Grandpa had he lived long enough for you to remember him. But that doesn’t matter to you: for all his mysterious nonsense, you love the First Guardian that raised you, and for all that your hope for the Game relies on him not answering, you’re secretly desperate to highlight his annoying white text again at

last.

GG: grandpa??? D:   
Hello again, my dear.   
GG: oh nooooooo   
Shhhhh, Jade, everything will be alright.   
GG: no no everything is wrong i’m not her she’s dead oh my god   
Jade.   
GG: i was supposed to be the one to die not her why is this happening   
Jade, listen to me.   
GG: all that work to save my friends and now i’ve ruined the alpha timeline what am i going to do   
Granddaughter!   
Everything is not lost.   
Though you may originate in an alternate timeline, your presence here is enough to allow the game to continue.   
Whatever your circumstances, you are still my beloved granddaughter, and I know you have the strength and courage to stand up and continue on.   
GG: ...but what about her   
She is safe and among friends, old and new.   
For the moment, it would be best if your friends did not know what has just occurred.   
They will learn of it when they must, and you need not fear their reactions.   
I will see to it that the body is given the respect it deserves.

==>

The corpse disappears in a flash of green lightning.

It will change hands and temporal positions several times, eventually ending up in the Harley attic, alongside the taxidermied bodies of Halley, Becquerel, and your ectofather, as well as various nick-knacks, a mysterious screen, and a battered, much repaired white dragon plushie, it’s long-lost red button eyes replaced with green.

You don’t notice that Jack has vanished from where you left him bleeding out in the snow.

GG: was that her all along in the attic   
GG: i was so sure when i came up with the plan that it would be me   
GG: i’m sorry   
GG: i’m so sorry i messed everything up   
Shh. You did exactly as you were always meant to do. With your help, the Game can continue. Everything will be alright.   
You will carry your friends safely to the end of the game. Worry no more for them, or for her.   
It is your own well-being that concerns me at the moment.   
It has been a long four months, has it not?   
GG: yeah   
GG: yeah is has :’(   
GG: oh grandpa i’m so happy i can talk to you again   
And I you, my dear. Still, I think you would more appreciate the companionship of your peers.   
We can catch up more later, Jade.

You hear a record scratch and see a flash of red.

Dave: sup

  
TT: I’m afraid we must bring this to a close. If I am to have the focus to See your target for you, it must be soon.   
GG: okay   
GG: i’m ready for this >:|   
GG: they’re not dying on us again, not on my watch!   
GG: i guess this is goodbye, then :(   
GG: good luck, rose lalonde!!! <3   
TT: Good luck and <3 to you too, Jade Harley.   
TT: Farewell, my friend.   
TT: Ah, I see the ’s light has done no damage to my tearducts.   
GG: :’)   
TT: I See it.   
TT: Do you have it?   
GG: got it   
TT: Are you absolutely sure?   
GG: i’m locked on and ready to jump   
GG: on 3?   
TT: 3   
TT: 2   
TT: 1   


> Jade: Attempt to hug that boy like you have never hugged before.

Your attempt is an overwhelming success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: Hass the Flame does not share his colleague's aversion to lying when it would produce the desired results. Make of that what you will.


End file.
